Finding My Mission

Buzzwords and Being True to Yourself

2008-04-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have a masters degree in business. For those of you who have received an undergraduate of graduate degree in a business field know about many of the buzzwords in business. Some of these buzzwords include synergy, mission statement, process controls, value-added services, paradigm shift, etc.

In graduate degree business programs, students are often graded on participation. Some students seem to fill their in-class comments with as many buzzwords as possible, but many times, there is no substance behind their comments! Buzzwords—though popular for a time—are usually shallow and meaningless. Buzzwords are often used as an attempt to address a complicated issue with a relatively meaningless and overused phrase.

There is a buzzword (or in this case, a buzz-phrase) that is popular in the gay community: “Be true to yourself.” That phrase sounds like good advice, and taken in the proper context, I believe in that concept. But with any buzzwords and phrases, we need to ask a few questions:

What is the context of the phrase and concept?
What is the appropriate way to apply the concept?

Just as many business students try to address a complicated situation with a simple buzzword, people in the gay community often try to address life’s issues and challenges with buzzwords. Human beings are complicated, and life is complex. How can all the answers to a gay person’s problems in life be found in the expression “be true to yourself” without providing any context or meaningful advice?

This buzz-phrase, like all buzzwords and phrases, needs context. What is a person’s identity? An individual may identify themselves based on several different facets. As an example, let’s say that Hank identifies his top characteristics as follows: “I am a son, a father of two kids, an honest person, a doctor, a child of God, a husband, a sports enthusiast, a gay man, someone who loves God, and a mediocre fisherman.” Given the characteristics of Hank, how does he be true to himself? The answer to this question is not a simple one because Hank’s life has many different facets and dimensions. How can the fleeting advice to Hank to “be true to himself” mean anything of value if it fails to acknowledge his circumstances, challenges, goals, talents, successes, failures, etc.?

The advice to be “true to yourself” is usually given in a vacuum—devoid of any meaningful context. Thankfully, we have guidance to help us apply context to any buzzwords and other words of advice we are given. Such context helps us avoid hollow advice, false teachings, and the temptation to have “itching ears” (See 2 Timothy 4:3). God has given us prophets, scriptures, and the power of prayer (among other tools) to help us properly apply context to the many challenges we face during this life.

Christ & Bitterness

2007-12-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

During this Christmas season, I have done some pondering about the attributes of Christ. He experienced immense opposition—physical torture, betrayal, loneliness, etc. Yet, Jesus never became bitter because of the hardships He faced.

From my experience, it seems like bitterness always results in two things. First, bitterness is contagious—both to other people, and also to other areas of a bitter person’s life. For example, if a person is bitter about their employment, it is easy for that bitterness to spill over into other areas. In that sense, bitterness seems to be a poison.

Second, bitterness seems to lead people to engage in behaviors they would not otherwise do. I remember hearing a story of a person who was caught embezzling money from his employer. When asked why he committed the crime, one reason he gave was he felt he was underpaid, which led to bitterness. The bitterness festered, which allowed him to justify actions he would not otherwise commit.

When people explain why they participate in certain risky or otherwise unwholesome behaviors, bitterness often appears to be the root cause. Satan gets us to justify certain actions because we are bitter. No one seems to be immune from becoming bitter since everyone faces trials.

Whenever there is a natural disaster, news reporters always interview a bunch of people. Some people express bitterness and anger because of their misfortunes. Other people express gratitude and joy for their blessings despite their trials. People we often view as heroes are those who have found success despite difficult situations.

I need to guard myself against bitterness. I have many blessings and many trials. I need to find effective ways to rid myself of the bitter feelings I have and prevent bitterness in other areas from developing.

Overall, I feel I am a pleasant person. I love people, and I love to have fun. But if I am not careful, bitterness may be my downfall. I hope I can follow the Savior’s example and not become bitter no matter what I face in life.

Judge Not...

2007-12-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

My blog is a place where I can express my thoughts and opinions about a variety of issues. However, I think there is a topic I consider very important that I have not discussed much: judging others.

I try hard not to judge others. I have a variety of friends who make very different life choices than me, and my choices are different from their choices. I value their friendships and respect them, and they show the same respect towards me. Wouldn’t life be boring if all of my friends were incredibly similar to me? If that were the case, I would miss out on so many great friendships and experiences in this life.

I have not walked in anyone else’s shoes but my own. I do not pretend to know exactly what other people have experienced even though I may be able to relate to some degree. I do not pretend to know how God will judge, and it is not my place to speculate His righteous, perfect judgments. My job is to “work out [my] own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philip. 2:12).

I love hearing/reading experiences of other people. It helps me learn. Wise people learn from other people—both from their successes and mistakes. I enjoy respectful, enlightening discussion about a variety of topics.

In short, my thoughts and opinions are never intended to be judgmental or condescending to anyone. People can disagree respectfully and share their own experiences, and hopefully we all become better people through listening, learning, and understanding.
I appreciate honest, thoughtful discussion, and I hope to receive a variety of emails and comments on my blog in the future.

Bad Experiences in the Church

2007-09-03T22:44:00.001-07:00

Over the years, I have heard and read accounts of gay people having anger towards the Church. Thinking of their comments prompted this entry.

First, let me say that I have had negative experiences in the Church because of my SSA. I think an experience or two in seminary growing up and a couple experiences with bishops at BYU fall into this category. I understand people have negative experiences at the hand of insensitive Church members or leaders. It’s tough, and such experiences should not happen.

Members and leaders are not perfect. I don’t think the sins, mistakes, and shortcomings of some members and even leaders does not prove the Church is not true. I am not defending the “bad apples” or shortcomings. The Church claims the organization is “true”—not the leaders or members.

I have had to take a step back and evaluate some of the negative experiences I’ve had in a non-emotional manner. I can separate negative experiences from the doctrine. It’s tough to do, but in my experiences, it has been well worth the effort.

New Blog Title

2007-09-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

As some of you have noticed, I changed the title of my blog. When I first started writing, there were not very many gay/SSA Mormons in the blogosphere. The title “Gay LDS RM” identified my uniqueness and the common theme of my blog. As the number of SSA bloggers has greatly increased, the time came to change the title of my blog.

This new title reflects one of the main goals of my life: to figure out why I was placed on this earth and to live up to my potential. I have a lot to learn, but I hope I can gain the insights I need.

President Faust

2007-08-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was quite sad to hear about the passing of President James E. Faust, 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. President Faust was such a loving, Christ-like man who spent a great deal of his life in the service of God.

President Faust wrote the First Presidency message this month. I think it’s fitting that his last message was one of inclusion: welcoming and reaching out to the single members of the Church.

"I am Free"

2007-07-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

“I am free…” I find these three words one of the most chilling phrases in the scriptures:

And Cain went into the field, and Cain talked with Abel, his brother. And it came to pass that while they were in the field, Cain rose up against Abel, his brother, and slew him.

And Cain gloried in that which he had done, saying: I am free; surely the flocks of my brother falleth into my hands. (Moses 5:32-33, emphasis added)

We all know this story. Cain committed the first murder, and after committing the heinous act, he ironically believed he had found new freedom. In the world today, I wonder how often we incorrectly believe we are “free” when making poor choices. A few examples come to mind. I think of a person getting high on illegal drugs thinking he or she is now “free” from pains of the world. I have seen many news stories of people (e.g., Mark Hacking, Scott Peterson, etc.) who kill a spouse to become “free” rather than get divorced. Students cheat to prevent the bondage of a failing grade. Some people go into credit card debt to “free” themselves of want.

“I am free.” When I hear someone speak these words—and other phrases are more commonly used —I have to examine the context of their statement. I rejoice with a person when they are freed from sickness, disease, the bondage of sin, addiction, needless worry, depression, etc. However, I feel differently when people “free” themselves of responsibility, moral character, thrift, conscience, truth, values, etc.

All sin presents a false front of freedom. Thus, I cannot make a decision based on promised freedom—I must use other criteria to make the best decisions in my life.

Struggle Yesterday

2007-07-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

Being gay and a Church-active, chastity-abiding LDS guy presents interesting challenges. I struggle with loneliness and depression at times. For some reason, yesterday was particularly bad for me. In the evening, I got on my knees and pleaded with God for help. When I was done, I didn't feel any differently. I decided to be productive by doing some cleaning around the house. About 45 minutes later or so, I felt much better.

I am glad God will help us through our trials. I am happy to know I can call on Him for help when I need it.

Ethics and Homosexuality

2007-07-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

To read my thoughts on this topic, visit my post at Northern Lights.

FAQ - Being Gay and LDS

2007-05-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Below are questions I am frequently asked along with my responses.

Why do you live your life this way? In other words, why aren’t you seeking sexual relationships with men?

My simple answer is this: I would give up much more than I would gain. There is no doubt I have a strong desire to be with a man. Such a relationship would be fun and fulfilling to a degree, but I would forfeit many other things. The peace and happiness I receive from living the Gospel the best I can is real. I love the Lord, His commandments, and my covenants with Him.

Didn’t God make you gay?

Personally, I think God allowed me to be gay as part of my testing experience on this earth. Whether there is a “gay gene” or not is of no concern to me. This question is largely irrelevant to my behavior and beliefs.

Aren’t you living a lie?

I am frequently asked this question. No, I am not living a lie. My sexual orientation is only a small part of who I am. Just because I do not wear my sexual orientation on my sleeve does not make me a liar. Everyone has their own challenges, trials, and temptations, and everyone can make their own decision to whom to disclose these personal matters. For example, I would not expect a total stranger to disclose their alcoholism or their trouble with debt to me. Why should I feel a need to disclose my personal matters to everyone?

How do you cope with being LDS and having same-sex feelings while trying to live the Gospel?

There is not a silver bullet or a specific how-to guide regarding this issue. But here is a list of things that have worked for me:

1. I have learned that I am not much different than straight guys. I think too many SSA guys feel they are very foreign compared to their straight counterparts. Though differences exist, I find most SSA guys—including myself—tend to over-exaggerate our differences. Learning to put perceived differences in their proper perspective has helped me.

2. I try to put my trial with SSA in the context of other trials. Everyone has their trials, and I would rather deal with SSA than some other trials people face in mortality. This fallen world has many difficult situations, and I do not have a monopoly on tough struggles.

3. I have learned my trial with SSA in not as unique as I used to think. Even today, I sometimes think my trials are so unique that Church counsel, the scriptures, etc. do not apply to me. However, most trials in this life have commonalities, and SSA is no exception.

4. I have learned that the scriptures and words from Church leaders apply directly to my SSA trials. I used to long for more specific talks and guidance in General Conference regarding SSA. A few Conferences back, I prayed for guidance regarding SSA with hope the General Authorities would address the topic. During that Conference, there was no talk that directly addressed SSA. However, there were numerous talks that gave me the peace, guidance, and counsel I desired. I found the talks applied directly to my struggle with SSA, and I was so grateful for those insights. As I studied the scriptures with this new insight, I have found many scriptures that are so helpful to me and other who struggle with SSA. It is amazing how the timeless truth taught in the Standard Works apply to the unique, personal trials I face.

5. I find it helpful to express my SSA feelings, concerns, etc. in a healthy environment. Some people choose to “come out” to many close family members and friends. Others choose to reveal their attractions to a select few. Personally, I am in the closet except to a couple Church leaders and a couple friends who also struggle with SSA. I find that those SSA guys who handle their attraction in accordance with their covenants have some sort of outlet to address these feelings. For some, having a blog or cyber friends results in enough support. Others seek more personal support through counseling, support groups, etc. I do not believe there is a one-size-fits-all approach to this topic, but I feel some outlet of support and free expression is helpful.

6. My ability to accept my SSA has increased as I have learned the benefits associated with this trial. For example, as a general rule, SSA guys are more gentle, caring, and compassionate than their straight counterparts. I do not know of an SSA married guy who beats his wife or kids. I have collected a couple articles that describe the “ideal” husband, and most of those qualities come much easier to SSA guys than heterosexual men. Seeing the benefits of who I am because of this trial has helped me immensely.

Do you really think you can live your life without having sex with a guy at some point?

Yes. I have learned that when I have the Spirit, nothing is too hard for me. When I feel the love of God more strongly in my life, I am empowered to do His will. God has helped me live my covenants up to this point in my life, and if I continue to do my best to follow Him and put my trust in Him, I know I will be supported.

Your responses seem simple and maybe unrealistic. Are you really gay or are you bisexual? Do you think you are oversimplifying the condition of homosexuality?

First, I am gay. Though I am very straight-acting on the outside, my homosexual desires are strong.

I do not think my outlook on life is unrealistic or Pollyanna-like. In reality, the truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ are simple and easy to understand. Faith in these principles and teachings leads to increased power and ability to live the Gospel. Doubt overshadows the simple truths of the Gospel while faith reveals such principles.

With all that said, let me say I have struggle tremendously at times with this trial. The heartache, doubt, confusion, frustration, and depression are very real. More than once, I have considered giving up with my fight and pursuing an “easier” route. My comments above are in this context of the deep periods of pain and trial I have experience. Despite these tough times—past, present, and future—I wholeheartedly reaffirm my statements above.

Aren’t your statements advocating celibacy or heterosexual marriage judgmental towards those people who do not follow such standards?

No, and the reason why is because I try hard to withhold judgments against individuals. I have a couple SSA friends who live with their boyfriends. A small number of my friends have engaged in noncommittal sex. Though I may make other choices and believe the Gospel brings greater happiness than their choices, I do not condemn them. I learn from others—from both their successes and mistakes.

We all have to make judgments and decisions about actions and behavior, and I am no exception. I proclaim and defend my beliefs and actions while advising against other actions and beliefs. I do NOT proclaim and defend individuals while advising against other individuals. (There is one exception: I proclaim and defend my Savior.) Thus, my comments should neither aggrandize those who live in accordance with my comments nor diminish or condemn those who choose to live otherwise.

Don’t you think people who live in a gay relationship can find happiness?

Yes. I have received emails and from guys who say they are happy, and I believe them.

Don’t your moral beliefs contradict your beliefs that some gays can be happy living a gay lifestyle?

No. First of all, God loves all of His children. People who live as I have chosen do not have a monopoly on happiness, joy, etc. in this life.

I do believe that there are different levels of emotion and types of emotion. Different actions bring different types/degrees of emotions including happiness, peace, and joy. For example, the joy I felt after passing a tough class in college is different from the joy I feel spending quality time with close friends. The scriptures also acknowledge different types of happiness (see Mormon 2:13).

I contend that the positive feelings I experience living the Gospel is different from the positive feelings experienced by people who choose a different lifestyle. Allow me to share a chat I recently had with a friend (Jared). The names have obviously been changed to protect everyone’s privacy;

Jared: well can I share this with you?
Jared: and if you repeat it to Abram [his boyfriend] I will deny it
Jared: lol
Me: Sure
Jared: I was happier following the gospel
Me: In what ways?
Jared: hard to explain. I felt truer happiness... however I felt a loneliness I couldn’t handle.
Jared: Which is why I pursued a relationship.
Me: I see
Me: hmm
Jared: I'm extremely happy with Abram
Jared: very, very happy
Me: Good
Jared: it's just a different type

Thus, I don’t dispute anyone’s feelings. I think we all pursue different paths that we believe will bring us the most happiness, and we are free to disagree. We can disagree and still be civil. We can make different choices and still be friends.

Update...again

2007-05-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have received several emails and comments on my blog, so I think it’s time for me to respond. Life has been quite busy for me (just as it is for everyone else), so my blog has taken a backseat in my life recently.

I have learned a lot recently. I am very grateful for my knowledge of God and His love for me. I am glad I have knowledge of what will make me the happiest in this life.

This trial of being gay can be a tremendous burden at times. But I have felt the Lord guide me through the storms of life especially the ones related to my orientation.

I appreciate the “success stories” out there—LDS men with SSA who adhere to their faith and covenants. I know the challenges are tough, and I know there can be many bumps in the road and setbacks. But your dedication and faith is an inspiration to me.

Despite my challenges, I am optimistic about the future. I have no idea what life has in store for me, but things will work out for me.

Short Update

2006-09-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, so I thought I would jot down just a couple thoughts. I am doing well overall, so thanks to those of you who’ve emailed me and asked.

As I have continued to turn to the Lord during my trials, I have been blessed. I have gained a stronger understanding about how I—along with my trials and temptations—fit into the Plan of Salvation. Taking a small leap of faith by continuing to practice my religion has allowed me to receive additional guidance and strength in my life.

My life is still full of uncertainty and challenges. But I know God will continue to support me and strengthen me. I will continue to grow and receive more and more of the true peace I desire.

Living a gay lifestyle would be fun, thrilling, and satisfying to some degree. But I know I would give up so much more by living such a lifestyle than I would gain. I am blessed immensely, and the peace, strength, and comfort I receive come from my choices.

God loves all of His children. Those who desire to follow His teachings are always welcome to grow closer to Him. Seemingly dark days through enduring tough trials lead to tremendous growth as we exercise faith, patience, and humility. Darkness and despair fade as we are strengthened through Christ.

I simply offer insights I have learned through the choices I’ve made. Everyone has to make their own choices.

Fewer Comments from Me

2006-05-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

My Silence

I have not followed and commented on many blogs lately (the past few months) as I have in the past. Why? I think L’s comment on a recent blog largely states how I feel.

“One is that I want so desperately for you to be happy that I feel like commenting somehow increases my stake in how things turn out, and that makes me afraid.”

I am happy to be of support, offer comments, and help other people if they want. However, I think that far too often my unsolicited comments haven’t been useful or helpful. It’s not healthy for me to invest time and emotion in a situation when I have no influence on the outcome.

People are free to make their own choices, and I am grateful we all have our own agency. I’m not trying to have a pity party for myself because my comments aren’t appreciated. That’s not how I feel. I simply have a finite number of resources, including time and emotional resources. Spending a lot of time and emotion making a lengthy comment on a blog which is largely ignored does not do any good to anybody.

Once again, I am happy to offer my support, opinions, and comments to people who find them beneficial. If you feel I have let you down by not commenting the past couple months, feel free to send me an email and let me know. Otherwise, I am far less inclined to randomly offer comments/advice/suggestions.

I will still follow some blogs out there, so keep writing.

Faith (And also Commandments, Exceptions, Revelation, etc.)

2006-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

I have talked to a lot of gay people about the LDS Church, God, sin, etc. There are a variety of viewpoints out there, and people are certainly entitled to their own opinions. We are free to make our own choices, and we will live with the outcomes of our choices in both this life and the life to come. I think many of my discussions can be boiled down to this topic: faith.

The basic premise of the Gospel of Christ is simple and straight-forward: If we have faith and do the things we’re supposed to do, we will have eternal glory. Faith is the first principle of the Gospel and the foundation of all Christian churches. However, there are two areas regarding faith that cause people to stumble: 1) Not putting faith in God’s words, and 2) Putting faith in falsehoods.

Faith in God’s Words

Through the scriptures and prophets, God has made many promises to His children. Here is a list of a very small sub-sample of some of His promises:

* If we keep His commandments, we will be truly happy.
* God will not allow us to be tempted above that which we are able to handle.
* Trials, if endured well, will bring us closer to God.
* God will not allow His prophets to lead His people astray.
* If we keep our covenants, God will always do His part of the covenant.
* God remembers His people in times of affliction.

God has many promises, and this list is just a fraction of His promises to His children. We are on this earth to be tested, but His promises can help sustain us through tough times. We as humans often doubt God’s promises because we have a hard time seeing the end from the beginning. That’s why we need faith. Many Christians stumble because they do not trust in God’s promises.

Faith in Incorrect Principles

The second area of danger is having faith in incorrect principle. By definition, faith is belief in things that are true. Using this definition, it’s not possible to have faith in incorrect principles or doctrine. Here are some teachings some people put their faith in which, according to God’s words, are not true.

* If I follow God and become close to Him, I will become wealthy.
* Repentance is not necessary, and God will save me in my sins.
* God is love, so He doesn’t care who I make love too.
* God knows how hard this trial is more me, so He doesn’t care if I indulge in sin.
* There is no sin.
* I can pray away my homosexual desires, and they will certainly be removed in this lifetime.
* I am a good person, so I can commit certain sins without offending God.
* If God didn’t want me to sin, He wouldn’t have given me certain desires.
* Good people don’t have tough trials.

Putting our trust and belief in incorrect principles does not change truth. I believe ALL Christians struggle at times with failing to put their faith in God’s words and/or putting false trust and belief in things God has not said. That’s part of the human experience. However, God expects us to trust in Him, trust in His words, and not put our trust in falsehoods.

A Caveat Regarding Revelation and Exceptions

ALL people have the light of Christ, and everyone is entitled to some degree of personal inspiration regarding their life. I freely admit there are cases out there where people may receive promises from God that are individual-specific and do not apply generally to everyone else. Also, there are times where the general counsel from God and His prophets may need to be altered based on a specific and unusual circumstance. We are entitled to guidance from God. However, if anyone believes they have received guidance that they are an exception to a rule as laid out by God and His inspired men, I offer these two warnings:

1. Personal revelation is personal and does not apply to your neighbor, friends, acquaintances, etc. If you believe you have received a witness from God that you are an exception to His rules, that’s great. But do not go around preaching your exception as doctrine to everyone else in the Church. Church-wide doctrine comes from the Standard Works and Church leaders. Personal exceptions—which are usually very rare—are not Church doctrine.

2. If you believe you are an exception to a commandment and God said so, then you damn well better be right—literally, or else you will be damned. Joseph Smith taught, “nothing is a greater injury to the children of men than to be under the influence of a false spirit when they think they have the Spirit of God” (TPJS p. 205).

I believe faith is the foundation for living a life in a manner pleasing to God that will lead to eternal happiness. Faith is complicated, so God has given us many tools whereby we can know where to place our faith. If we put our faith in God and His words, then we will ultimately not be disappointed with the outcome. If we put our faith in incorrect principles, those things will eventually disappear and we will reap the reward of the falsehoods.

I don’t judge people. But when I hear people preach principles and doctrine, I test their claims against the words God has said. Sometimes their words make sense, sometimes they don’t. When people claim they are an exception to God’s commandments, I realize that such an exception (even if true) does not apply to me. When someone claims God made them a promise about certain blessings or outcomes, I realize that such a promise does not apply to me or other people.

Response to Vessey

2006-05-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Here is my email response to Vessey.

Thank you for your email. Let me first say that I can see it in the light you intended. You care. Based on your writings, I am 99% sure you don’t have these types of inclinations.

I would strongly discourage you from promising people that God will remove such a trial in this life if we repent and ask him to remove it from us. God will help us deal with this trial, grow, and come unto Him. However, He never promises us that these inclinations will be removed in this lifetime.

Lots of good Christians are quadriplegics. Some are blind, deaf, or suffer other disabilities. God can certainly remove these trials if He desires, but in most cases, He does not despite prayers, repentance, and faith. The same thing applies to gays. God helps them get through this life in a manner pleasing to Him, but most times He does not free them completely from the trial.

Many gays give up hope in God because they have the idea that God will completely remove this trial if they turn to Him. I can handle your comments, and they won’t shake my faith. However, if you say these comments to other people struggling with homosexuality, you may do much more harm then good. Your comments remind me of the Book of Job. Job’s friends tried to comfort him and stuff, but they twisted scripture and God’s teachings. Job 13:1-10 comes to mind.

I suggest you preach religious truths that are universal and stay away from making temporal promises for God.

Thanks again for your comments. Let me know if you have any questions.

Context

2006-03-22T15:40:00.000-08:00

Doing God’s will and keeping the commandments leads to blessings and happiness in this life. It was also leads to eternal life in the world to come. Following the adversary will ultimately lead to unhappiness and damnation.

Satan tries to remove the proper context from our decisions. He tries to get people to focus on the “high” that comes from drug use and ignore the addiction, pain, and misery that comes from drug addiction. He tries to get us to focus on the fun and fulfillment of fornication while ignoring the emotional and spiritual consequences associated with those actions. Satan uses this tactic for ALL sins: sexual sins, dishonesty, murder, etc.

If we could view every situation the way God views it, we would never sin. That’s one thing I try to do in my life. I asked for help to view choices and situations the way God sees them.

Why are some gay LDS guys able to stay in the Church and follow the Gospel teachings? I submit that context is a big part of it. They can see how being gay fits into God’s plan. They can see how God could love them, allow them to be gay, and still require them to live His commandments. They can see how being gay and LDS is not ultimately a burden—but a blessing. They have faith and a proper context to allow them to face this challenge and be successful.

Service

2006-03-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

The topic of service has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Here is a quote from Mother Teresa that I really like:

"We must not drift away from the humble works, because these are the works nobody will do. It is never too small. We are so small and we look at things in a small way. But God, being Almighty, sees everything great. Therefore, even if you write a letter for a blind man or you just go and listen, or you take the mail for him, or you visit somebody or bring a flower to somebody - small things - or wash clothes for somebody, or clean the house - very humble work- that is where you and I must be. For there are many people who can do big things. But there are very few people who will do the small things."

Here is one from Heber J. Grant:

“One can never tell what will be the result of faithful service rendered, nor do we know when it will come back to us or to those with whom we are associated. The reward may not come at the time, but in dividends later. I believe we will never lose anything in life by giving service, by making sacrifices, and doing the right thing.”

And finally, here is one by Gordon B. Hinckley:

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others…. By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.”

Faith

2006-03-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

I was recently asked why I try to live the Gospel as taught by the LDS Church despite my trial of being gay. Well, the answer comes from the things I’ve learned through this journey so far as well as faith. I have written some of my thoughts, but I don’t care to put them on my blog at this time because of their personal nature. If you are a follower of my blog and would like to know my thoughts, drop me an email or a comment and I will share them with you.

Joy...and a Summary of Many Discussions

2006-02-28T14:33:00.000-08:00

I write this entry to summarize some of the underlying points of discussion between LDS gay guys who differ in their decisions regarding sex.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the situation of gay LDS returned missionaries who choose to live a gay lifestyle. Personally, I have not chosen that route at this time. However, I think I better understand both my contacts who have chosen the gay lifestyle and those who live the Church’s teachings.

I have always believed gay guys who “act” on their feelings when they say it feels natural. They often claim a new sense of joy, peace, and happiness. I have never questioned their emotions, feelings, or new sense of joy.

I believe Mormons sometimes feel that they have a monopoly on joy in this world. Such an attitude is not only false, but it can be dangerous. But here is where the Mormon viewpiont comes in. The scriptures distinguish between various types of joy. Joy from “the works of men” and “the works of the devil” is fleeting. That joy will last for “a season,” and that season may last anywhere from an hour to maybe decades. Some people believes there are different sources of joy while other people do not. That is the main difference of discussion between various gay LDS guys who either live or do not live a gay lifestyle.

The discussion comes down to this: faith and beliefs. Does a person believe God cares about sex? Do they believe there are different sources of joy? Do they have faith in Christ and an eternal reward? Do they believe in scriptures? These are all personal questions people must ask and find out themselves. Personally, I have faith in all these matters. I believe there are different underlying sources of joy.

This concept of joy and its various sources does not just apply to gay people. Some people try to find joy through alcohol or drugs. Some heterosexuals seek for joy by having sex outside of marriage. Others seek for joy through material possessions. The possibilities are endless, but they are common to all people. Everyone in this world seeks joy and other good feelings, but the source of the joy will ultimately determine whether the joy is lasting through the eternities or if the joy is fleeting and eventually empty.

Let me conclude by saying I do not judge people based on their actions. This post was simply to provoke thought and summarize conversations...not to pass judgment. I can’t fully comprehend what a person is going through, so I do not judge. My statements above are meant to be general principles and thoughts I have encountered through my studying. I do not condemn others who make different decisions than me, but rather, may we all find joy in this life and eternal rewards hereafter.

Present, Future

2006-02-26T18:58:00.000-08:00

A friend recently commented to me that people ought to plan for the future but live in the present. He is a good LDS guy struggling with the same things I struggle with. I think he makes an interesting point, and I am trying to take it to heart.

Life is full of unknowns. We cannot plan for everything. The future seems very daunting and troubling to me at times, but the present has so much to offer me. I don’t think I should only live for the present and “eat, drink, and be merry.” But I think I can enjoy the present more without sacrificing my future or doing something to negatively affect my future. I need to have more hope that the future will work out for me and not worry about it as much.

Limbo, Indecisiveness

2006-02-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

I appreciate all of your prior comments about my posts. I like thinking about some of these things and I like hearing other viewpoints. I would like to write about indecision or being indecisive. I think we usually think indecisiveness is a bad thing, but it can sometimes be good.

Indecision is good under various circumstances. Here are some reasons why it might be good to not make a big decision:

* A personal is very emotional about something important, and the emotion is preventing them from thinking clearly. Hormones may fit in this category.
* A person is confused and the decision at hand is important.
* One possible decision is difficult to reverse or it precludes other future options (and the decision is critical).

Indecisiveness is not ideal under many situations as well. Some examples include:

* The indecision is due to procrastination.
* The indecision is due to laziness.
* The choices at hand really don’t matter.
* The only choices at hand are equally good.

Indecisiveness always prevents progress. If a person has a good reason to be indecisive (like the examples above), then I think being indecisive or being in limbo is okay for the time being. I would recommend to such people that they should work to remove the barriers that cause the indecisiveness (such as the confusion, extreme emotion, etc.). I would also say that indefinite indecision is not a good thing. Indecisiveness should be eliminated under the “less than ideal” situations I described above.

Obviously, these are general thoughts and guidelines. There are always exceptions related to specific situations (i.e., your house is on fire and you have to make quick decisions despite the emotion).

Turning Points

2006-02-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

Occasionally in life, we encounter a turning point. Sometimes we realize we are facing a turning point (i.e., marriage), but other times we don’t realize it (i.e., meeting someone for the first time).

Turning points can be either positive or negative. Taking the first hit of drugs is probably a turning point for a drug addict. Committing a crime could be another obvious example of a negative turning point. A positive turning point could be the alcoholic’s first step to recovery. It could be a spiritual awakening for another person. So, turning points can either be good or bad.

Like I mentioned above, sometimes we don’t realize we are facing a turning point. The druggie may not few his first experience with drugs as a turning point at the time. I think everyone’s life has turning points, but sometimes the person doesn’t realize the importance of the choice at the time.

One important point I would like to make is this: No one faces a turning point with the intent on making themselves worse off. When the alcoholic takes his/her first drink, they don’t do it with the intent on becoming an alcoholic! No one intentionally seeks negative turning points. Everyone tries to make themselves better off, but obviously we all make mistakes.

How do we know if we are making a good or bad decision at a turning point? Well, sometimes it’s tough to tell. Laws, morals, religion, values, etc. are put in place to help guide us through the turning points of life. We may not know or accept we made a bad decision until a significant period down the road. It may take the drug addict years to realize the first hit was a turning point.

I try to apply these thoughts to my personal life. We all make mistakes in life, but I think the key to success in anything is to not make the BIG mistakes. I try to make sure that if I make a mistake, that error won’t lead to something worse and become a negative turning point. I want to avoid negative turning points, and I use my values, morals, beliefs, etc. to help me out.

This concept can apply to all areas of life: School, career, being gay, family, marriage, friendships, etc. I hope to make good decisions which will ultimately lead to good turning points.

Comments to Others

2006-02-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

I still try to adhere to the teachings of the LDS Church. I have a hard time, and I don’t judge anyone for their actions. If my gay contacts ask my opinion about various issues, my comments will be based on my values and beliefs. However, just because my comments may be in accordance with my values and beliefs, that doesn’t mean my comments don’t come from the heart. My comments of caution and such that I make to some friends aren’t some religious talking points. Rather, then are honest, sincere opinions from my heart.

I appreciate all of you who make comments to me publicly and privately. You’re support is great!

Checking Them Out!

2006-02-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

There’s a topic that comes up occasionally with my friends, whether they are married/single, gay/straight, etc. It has to do with “checking out” other people. A lot of people (including myself) think it is appropriate to put limitations on ourselves when it comes to checking other people out. People place limits on themselves for various reasons, including religious beliefs, other moral reasoning, relationship commitments, marital vows, etc. If you believe it’s alright to ogle and fantasize as long as you don’t touch, then there’s no need for you to read the rest of this entry. If you believe limitations are appropriate, then here are my two cents.

I don’t think noticing beautiful people alone is a bad thing. In fact, noticing and admiring the right kind of beauty can be very uplifting. Some people whom I consider very beautiful may not have much beauty according to worldly or shallow standards—but their spirit, their personality, their heart, and the things that matter most make them just a pleasure to be around.

Noticing beauty alone is not wrong and it can be good. However, it becomes wrong when we start to covet physical features in someone else. It also becomes wrong when the thoughts become sexual and lustful. I feel good when people think I am beautiful because of who I truly am. I feel a little flattered when people admire my physical traits, but such good feelings for me are fleeting when they are based on outside appearances only.

Most 60-year-olds are certainly not physically attractive. Decades down the road when I am 60, I hope people are still attracted to me because of who I am.

And thoughts?

God's Love

2006-02-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time feelings God's love lately. I feel He is distant, and I don't know why. His distance is a great source of frustration because I feel I need Him by my side more than ever.

I think the hardest part of being a gay LDS guy is the loneliness. I have some great friends—guys and girls. But I haven’t been able to tell them about my struggles and feelings. I’ve prayed to know whom to tell and when to tell them, but I just don’t feel I can tell any of them right now. I think that comes with the territory of living in Utah.

Meeting

2006-02-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about my life a lot lately, probably because I’m having a really tough time. One thing that I’ve thought about was the concept of having a change of heart. I have had a “mighty change of heart” in some areas in my life, but other areas, I really struggle. For example, I haven’t committed a sex act with a man, but I am highly tempted to do so.

With these thoughts on my mind, I decided to talk to a gentleman who is a friend and a religious expert. We’ve known each other for a little while, and I have a lot of respect for him. He doesn’t know I’m gay, and I didn’t tell him. I simply said, “I have noticed in my life and in the lives of my friends that if a person has a change of heart in an area, it is much easier for them to live the Gospel in that area. If they don’t have a change of heart, they make a lot more mistakes. What brings about this change of heart, whether it has to do with tithing, Sabbath observance, chastity, word of wisdom, etc.?”

He made some really good points that I hope to take to heart. So, I'm a little more hopeful today. If you would like a more detailed version of our conversation, feel free to drop me an email.

2006-01-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

Intro...

Let me introduce myself. I am a 26-year-old member of the LDS Church. I am also a returned missionary, and I am still active in the Church. And yes, I am sexually attracted to other men. I have same-sex attraction (SSA), I’m gay, whatever. I won’t get into semantics.

Thus far, I have chosen to live in harmony with the Church’s teachings. I am far from perfect, but I have not had sex with another man. And, I intend to refrain from acting out on my desires.

This trial I am facing is very difficult and challenging. Many people in similar situations decide to act out and become sexually active. I do not judge these people. I have made different decisions, and I hope no one will negatively judge me for the decisions I make.

Life is tough for me right now, and it’s been tough for awhile. I need to sort through my feelings. I’ve been especially lonely lately, which makes it more challenging to deal with these feelings. I think these increased feelings of loneliness have increased my motivation to start this blog.

None of my family members or friends know about my attraction to men, and very, very few other people (basically Church leaders) know about it. I am very straight-acting, so no one has really ever questioned me about my orientation. I love sports—both playing and watching sports. I share many interests as most straight guys. I’m not trying to stereotype gay guys, but I just wanted to make the point that no one really knows about my feelings. So, it’s tough at times.

If no one reads this blog, that’s fine. It’s helpful to me. If straight people read this blog, I hope they will develop a greater understanding for homosexuals. For gay-LDS guys, I look forward to hearing your comments and experiences. For other gay guys, I would enjoy hearing from you as well, but please respect my decisions and I will give you the same respect.

So long for now!