FAQ - Being Gay and LDS
Below are questions I am frequently asked along with my responses.
Why do you live your life this way? In other words, why aren’t you seeking sexual relationships with men?
My simple answer is this: I would give up much more than I would gain. There is no doubt I have a strong desire to be with a man. Such a relationship would be fun and fulfilling to a degree, but I would forfeit many other things. The peace and happiness I receive from living the Gospel the best I can is real. I love the Lord, His commandments, and my covenants with Him.
Didn’t God make you gay?
Personally, I think God allowed me to be gay as part of my testing experience on this earth. Whether there is a “gay gene” or not is of no concern to me. This question is largely irrelevant to my behavior and beliefs.
Aren’t you living a lie?
I am frequently asked this question. No, I am not living a lie. My sexual orientation is only a small part of who I am. Just because I do not wear my sexual orientation on my sleeve does not make me a liar. Everyone has their own challenges, trials, and temptations, and everyone can make their own decision to whom to disclose these personal matters. For example, I would not expect a total stranger to disclose their alcoholism or their trouble with debt to me. Why should I feel a need to disclose my personal matters to everyone?
How do you cope with being LDS and having same-sex feelings while trying to live the Gospel?
There is not a silver bullet or a specific how-to guide regarding this issue. But here is a list of things that have worked for me:
1. I have learned that I am not much different than straight guys. I think too many SSA guys feel they are very foreign compared to their straight counterparts. Though differences exist, I find most SSA guys—including myself—tend to over-exaggerate our differences. Learning to put perceived differences in their proper perspective has helped me.
2. I try to put my trial with SSA in the context of other trials. Everyone has their trials, and I would rather deal with SSA than some other trials people face in mortality. This fallen world has many difficult situations, and I do not have a monopoly on tough struggles.
3. I have learned my trial with SSA in not as unique as I used to think. Even today, I sometimes think my trials are so unique that Church counsel, the scriptures, etc. do not apply to me. However, most trials in this life have commonalities, and SSA is no exception.
4. I have learned that the scriptures and words from Church leaders apply directly to my SSA trials. I used to long for more specific talks and guidance in General Conference regarding SSA. A few Conferences back, I prayed for guidance regarding SSA with hope the General Authorities would address the topic. During that Conference, there was no talk that directly addressed SSA. However, there were numerous talks that gave me the peace, guidance, and counsel I desired. I found the talks applied directly to my struggle with SSA, and I was so grateful for those insights. As I studied the scriptures with this new insight, I have found many scriptures that are so helpful to me and other who struggle with SSA. It is amazing how the timeless truth taught in the Standard Works apply to the unique, personal trials I face.
5. I find it helpful to express my SSA feelings, concerns, etc. in a healthy environment. Some people choose to “come out” to many close family members and friends. Others choose to reveal their attractions to a select few. Personally, I am in the closet except to a couple Church leaders and a couple friends who also struggle with SSA. I find that those SSA guys who handle their attraction in accordance with their covenants have some sort of outlet to address these feelings. For some, having a blog or cyber friends results in enough support. Others seek more personal support through counseling, support groups, etc. I do not believe there is a one-size-fits-all approach to this topic, but I feel some outlet of support and free expression is helpful.
6. My ability to accept my SSA has increased as I have learned the benefits associated with this trial. For example, as a general rule, SSA guys are more gentle, caring, and compassionate than their straight counterparts. I do not know of an SSA married guy who beats his wife or kids. I have collected a couple articles that describe the “ideal” husband, and most of those qualities come much easier to SSA guys than heterosexual men. Seeing the benefits of who I am because of this trial has helped me immensely.
Do you really think you can live your life without having sex with a guy at some point?
Yes. I have learned that when I have the Spirit, nothing is too hard for me. When I feel the love of God more strongly in my life, I am empowered to do His will. God has helped me live my covenants up to this point in my life, and if I continue to do my best to follow Him and put my trust in Him, I know I will be supported.
Your responses seem simple and maybe unrealistic. Are you really gay or are you bisexual? Do you think you are oversimplifying the condition of homosexuality?
First, I am gay. Though I am very straight-acting on the outside, my homosexual desires are strong.
I do not think my outlook on life is unrealistic or Pollyanna-like. In reality, the truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ are simple and easy to understand. Faith in these principles and teachings leads to increased power and ability to live the Gospel. Doubt overshadows the simple truths of the Gospel while faith reveals such principles.
With all that said, let me say I have struggle tremendously at times with this trial. The heartache, doubt, confusion, frustration, and depression are very real. More than once, I have considered giving up with my fight and pursuing an “easier” route. My comments above are in this context of the deep periods of pain and trial I have experience. Despite these tough times—past, present, and future—I wholeheartedly reaffirm my statements above.
Aren’t your statements advocating celibacy or heterosexual marriage judgmental towards those people who do not follow such standards?
No, and the reason why is because I try hard to withhold judgments against individuals. I have a couple SSA friends who live with their boyfriends. A small number of my friends have engaged in noncommittal sex. Though I may make other choices and believe the Gospel brings greater happiness than their choices, I do not condemn them. I learn from others—from both their successes and mistakes.
We all have to make judgments and decisions about actions and behavior, and I am no exception. I proclaim and defend my beliefs and actions while advising against other actions and beliefs. I do NOT proclaim and defend individuals while advising against other individuals. (There is one exception: I proclaim and defend my Savior.) Thus, my comments should neither aggrandize those who live in accordance with my comments nor diminish or condemn those who choose to live otherwise.
Don’t you think people who live in a gay relationship can find happiness?
Yes. I have received emails and from guys who say they are happy, and I believe them.
Don’t your moral beliefs contradict your beliefs that some gays can be happy living a gay lifestyle?
No. First of all, God loves all of His children. People who live as I have chosen do not have a monopoly on happiness, joy, etc. in this life.
I do believe that there are different levels of emotion and types of emotion. Different actions bring different types/degrees of emotions including happiness, peace, and joy. For example, the joy I felt after passing a tough class in college is different from the joy I feel spending quality time with close friends. The scriptures also acknowledge different types of happiness (see Mormon 2:13).
I contend that the positive feelings I experience living the Gospel is different from the positive feelings experienced by people who choose a different lifestyle. Allow me to share a chat I recently had with a friend (Jared). The names have obviously been changed to protect everyone’s privacy;
Jared: well can I share this with you?
Jared: and if you repeat it to Abram [his boyfriend] I will deny it
Jared: lol
Me: Sure
Jared: I was happier following the gospel
Me: In what ways?
Jared: hard to explain. I felt truer happiness... however I felt a loneliness I couldn’t handle.
Jared: Which is why I pursued a relationship.
Me: I see
Me: hmm
Jared: I'm extremely happy with Abram
Jared: very, very happy
Me: Good
Jared: it's just a different type
Thus, I don’t dispute anyone’s feelings. I think we all pursue different paths that we believe will bring us the most happiness, and we are free to disagree. We can disagree and still be civil. We can make different choices and still be friends.
posted by Chris W. @ 12:02 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
This is amazing.
I was wanting to come up with some form of advice similar to this on my current post, but here it is already done. I love it.
This really was great. I love the firmness you show in the gospel, as well as the honesty and vulnerability with where you are personally.
I realize this is an older post, but I'm just now doing some catching up. :)
"Personally, I think God allowed me to be gay as part of my testing experience on this earth."
If you believe this, you'll always fell guilty and shameful about who you are. God created you (that's what they taught you in Primary, right?), and God created you gay. Do you really want to believe in a God who would create you a certain way (as a sinner) to "test" you?
For me the guilt stopped there. Once I really believed that it wasn't my choice to be gay, that I am who God created and God wouldn't create me or anyone else as a "sinner" then I was able to love myself and be happy living in my skin.
I'm an RM, I had a great mission and life growing up Mormon, but I'm gay and that's not okay with the church, so I left. I decided that instead of fighting who I am, I would embrace myself and not spend my life hiding anything. I left BYU and the church and have never turned back. My family has finally accepted who I am and it's not an issue anymore. I've always acted like it's a non-issue: if you want me in your life, then this is who I am.
Having a personal relationship with God is the most important thing, not the Church. If you can feel secure with your relationship to Him, then your guilt will leave and you can begin living your life as you.
I hate to sound preachy, but this is my story and when I ran across your blog and this post, I was prompted to reply.
Take care,
Kevin
Kevin, thank you for your comments. Let me clarify my thoughts and comments above. I know I was not born a sinner. I know having homosexual attractions is not a sin.
Some people are prone to alcoholism or other compulsive disorders. People are born with a myriad of challenges as part of their testing period of life, and these challenges may be spiritual, sexual, psychological, physical, etc. No one is spared challenges, trials, and temptations in this life.
As I have learned more about my attraction and God’s love for me, I no longer feel guilty for having these sexual attractions I did not choose. Acceptance of my same-sex attraction is compatible with the Gospel.
Chris,
I really appreciated this a lot. I'm finally admitting to myself that my struggles with SSA probably aren't going to go away anytime soon and to hear you speak with such conviction was exactly what I was needing tonight. Keep it up.
Hi Chris,
I have more questions for you. When I was active and dealing with this I searched for some time hoping to find someone successful in the path the Church presented to me. I was unsuccessful. I had questions I wanted to ask so that I could better see the path.
Although I know you still deal with your trial, I have questions of you.
How do you deal with the lonliness? The lack of fulfillment?
My whole life I have yearned for a spouse to share a life with. It's what I hoped for more than anything. When I realized that, for me, that spouse would be male and that I would have to give up this hope to remain within Church standards it was devastating to me.
I was told to throw myself into service. I did, as much as I could. And it helped...to a point. When I came home I was still alone and lonely. More than physical intimacy I yearn for companionship. I am sure you have friends, perhaps close friends, but this is still very different than what you might experience with someone you share a life with. The same is to be said for family.
Do you feel similarly about companionship and how do you deal with that?
In your response to kevbo you liken your struggle with SSA to those who might struggle with alcoholism and debt.
I struggle with that likeness. In so many other struggles you must make that first step down that road in order to open yourself up to that struggle.
I mean, the alcoholic must take his first drink to realize his compulsion. The debtor must make his first purchase he cannot pay for. And although they might not openly share these problems with the members of their ward, if they became aware, most would have compassion and understanding. Would they for you? Would they for me and our issue?
With SSA when did you or I knowingly or unknowingly step foot on this path? What did we do to open the door to our compulsion.
Moreover...alcohol, drug use and similar struggles aren't necessarily core yearnings that humans desire in order to live fulfilled lives. Yet companionship is one of those things that nearly all humans desire as a normal part of living.
So do you believe that as those who struggle with SSA we are meant to be alone throughout life?
As a side note you mention that your sexuality isn't all of who you are but a small part.
Do you really believe this?
I mean, for all humans their sexuality will determine how they live their lives daily. It will determine who you marry, if you marry, if you will have a family, etc.
For being a small part of who you are your sexuality defines so much of how you live day to day in your life. Even now as you (I assume) remain celibate and choose not to interact with men in intimate ways, that is defined by your sexuality. If you desired women, you would likely be married or dating or at least opened to the idea of dating. These things would change how you live your life day to day.
Marriage and family are two huge things that are largely driven on one's sexuality. Would man be driven to procreate without sexuality?
So I ask again, do you really believe that your sexuality is that small a part of who you are? Surely it defines in large part how each of us will live our lives whether by acceptance of our sexuality or our choice to abstain from the desires our sexuality gives us.
Chris, I want you to know that with the exception of the question on sexuality these are honest questions I ask. Things I'd like to have answers to.
My question on sexuality is better asked how can you believe that it is such a small part of who you are when it defines how you will live your life day to day. When it defines how most people live their lives from day to day.
In specific relation to your point about your friend Jared.
I can see where he's coming from. I believe it's true from either angle.
If you remain active in Church and choose celibacy you will find happiness in the gospel. Yet there is a sense of lonliness that doesn't leave you. You are single and alone your whole life. With a void neither family or friends can fill.
If you choose to find someone to share your life with you loose the support of the Church, you loose your membership and in many cases your family.
How could anyone find complete happiness with either. I can see where Jared would say that he was happier in the gospel. I wonder if he would have remained so had he had chosen to live celibate into middle age and old age?
Sorry Chris,
I jumped into this blog and I had the exact same question as Damon. I was looking so bad to read the answer! I was so disappointed when I didn't see it:( Please reply
Hi Chris
Thanks for your post. I've echoed your feelings and resolve for the last few years since I've come out.
My commitment to Church and Temple covenants have always come before the natural yearnings of my body and soul.
Recently I've made a "paradigm shift" that scares and excites me. I've opened myself up to the possibility that we who struggle with SSA are part of something significant, "a marvelous work and a wonder" that will lead to Church wide paradigm shift.
We're not the first group of believers to be made second class in gospel blessings based on circumstances over which we have no control.
Thank you Damon for your questions.
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