Joy...and a Summary of Many Discussions

I write this entry to summarize some of the underlying points of discussion between LDS gay guys who differ in their decisions regarding sex.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the situation of gay LDS returned missionaries who choose to live a gay lifestyle. Personally, I have not chosen that route at this time. However, I think I better understand both my contacts who have chosen the gay lifestyle and those who live the Church’s teachings.

I have always believed gay guys who “act” on their feelings when they say it feels natural. They often claim a new sense of joy, peace, and happiness. I have never questioned their emotions, feelings, or new sense of joy.

I believe Mormons sometimes feel that they have a monopoly on joy in this world. Such an attitude is not only false, but it can be dangerous. But here is where the Mormon viewpiont comes in. The scriptures distinguish between various types of joy. Joy from “the works of men” and “the works of the devil” is fleeting. That joy will last for “a season,” and that season may last anywhere from an hour to maybe decades. Some people believes there are different sources of joy while other people do not. That is the main difference of discussion between various gay LDS guys who either live or do not live a gay lifestyle.

The discussion comes down to this: faith and beliefs. Does a person believe God cares about sex? Do they believe there are different sources of joy? Do they have faith in Christ and an eternal reward? Do they believe in scriptures? These are all personal questions people must ask and find out themselves. Personally, I have faith in all these matters. I believe there are different underlying sources of joy.

This concept of joy and its various sources does not just apply to gay people. Some people try to find joy through alcohol or drugs. Some heterosexuals seek for joy by having sex outside of marriage. Others seek for joy through material possessions. The possibilities are endless, but they are common to all people. Everyone in this world seeks joy and other good feelings, but the source of the joy will ultimately determine whether the joy is lasting through the eternities or if the joy is fleeting and eventually empty.

Let me conclude by saying I do not judge people based on their actions. This post was simply to provoke thought and summarize conversations...not to pass judgment. I can’t fully comprehend what a person is going through, so I do not judge. My statements above are meant to be general principles and thoughts I have encountered through my studying. I do not condemn others who make different decisions than me, but rather, may we all find joy in this life and eternal rewards hereafter.

Present, Future

A friend recently commented to me that people ought to plan for the future but live in the present. He is a good LDS guy struggling with the same things I struggle with. I think he makes an interesting point, and I am trying to take it to heart.

Life is full of unknowns. We cannot plan for everything. The future seems very daunting and troubling to me at times, but the present has so much to offer me. I don’t think I should only live for the present and “eat, drink, and be merry.” But I think I can enjoy the present more without sacrificing my future or doing something to negatively affect my future. I need to have more hope that the future will work out for me and not worry about it as much.

Limbo, Indecisiveness

I appreciate all of your prior comments about my posts. I like thinking about some of these things and I like hearing other viewpoints. I would like to write about indecision or being indecisive. I think we usually think indecisiveness is a bad thing, but it can sometimes be good.

Indecision is good under various circumstances. Here are some reasons why it might be good to not make a big decision:

* A personal is very emotional about something important, and the emotion is preventing them from thinking clearly. Hormones may fit in this category.
* A person is confused and the decision at hand is important.
* One possible decision is difficult to reverse or it precludes other future options (and the decision is critical).

Indecisiveness is not ideal under many situations as well. Some examples include:

* The indecision is due to procrastination.
* The indecision is due to laziness.
* The choices at hand really don’t matter.
* The only choices at hand are equally good.

Indecisiveness always prevents progress. If a person has a good reason to be indecisive (like the examples above), then I think being indecisive or being in limbo is okay for the time being. I would recommend to such people that they should work to remove the barriers that cause the indecisiveness (such as the confusion, extreme emotion, etc.). I would also say that indefinite indecision is not a good thing. Indecisiveness should be eliminated under the “less than ideal” situations I described above.

Obviously, these are general thoughts and guidelines. There are always exceptions related to specific situations (i.e., your house is on fire and you have to make quick decisions despite the emotion).

Turning Points

Occasionally in life, we encounter a turning point. Sometimes we realize we are facing a turning point (i.e., marriage), but other times we don’t realize it (i.e., meeting someone for the first time).

Turning points can be either positive or negative. Taking the first hit of drugs is probably a turning point for a drug addict. Committing a crime could be another obvious example of a negative turning point. A positive turning point could be the alcoholic’s first step to recovery. It could be a spiritual awakening for another person. So, turning points can either be good or bad.

Like I mentioned above, sometimes we don’t realize we are facing a turning point. The druggie may not few his first experience with drugs as a turning point at the time. I think everyone’s life has turning points, but sometimes the person doesn’t realize the importance of the choice at the time.

One important point I would like to make is this: No one faces a turning point with the intent on making themselves worse off. When the alcoholic takes his/her first drink, they don’t do it with the intent on becoming an alcoholic! No one intentionally seeks negative turning points. Everyone tries to make themselves better off, but obviously we all make mistakes.

How do we know if we are making a good or bad decision at a turning point? Well, sometimes it’s tough to tell. Laws, morals, religion, values, etc. are put in place to help guide us through the turning points of life. We may not know or accept we made a bad decision until a significant period down the road. It may take the drug addict years to realize the first hit was a turning point.

I try to apply these thoughts to my personal life. We all make mistakes in life, but I think the key to success in anything is to not make the BIG mistakes. I try to make sure that if I make a mistake, that error won’t lead to something worse and become a negative turning point. I want to avoid negative turning points, and I use my values, morals, beliefs, etc. to help me out.

This concept can apply to all areas of life: School, career, being gay, family, marriage, friendships, etc. I hope to make good decisions which will ultimately lead to good turning points.

Comments to Others

I still try to adhere to the teachings of the LDS Church. I have a hard time, and I don’t judge anyone for their actions. If my gay contacts ask my opinion about various issues, my comments will be based on my values and beliefs. However, just because my comments may be in accordance with my values and beliefs, that doesn’t mean my comments don’t come from the heart. My comments of caution and such that I make to some friends aren’t some religious talking points. Rather, then are honest, sincere opinions from my heart.

I appreciate all of you who make comments to me publicly and privately. You’re support is great!

Checking Them Out!

There’s a topic that comes up occasionally with my friends, whether they are married/single, gay/straight, etc. It has to do with “checking out” other people. A lot of people (including myself) think it is appropriate to put limitations on ourselves when it comes to checking other people out. People place limits on themselves for various reasons, including religious beliefs, other moral reasoning, relationship commitments, marital vows, etc. If you believe it’s alright to ogle and fantasize as long as you don’t touch, then there’s no need for you to read the rest of this entry. If you believe limitations are appropriate, then here are my two cents.

I don’t think noticing beautiful people alone is a bad thing. In fact, noticing and admiring the right kind of beauty can be very uplifting. Some people whom I consider very beautiful may not have much beauty according to worldly or shallow standards—but their spirit, their personality, their heart, and the things that matter most make them just a pleasure to be around.

Noticing beauty alone is not wrong and it can be good. However, it becomes wrong when we start to covet physical features in someone else. It also becomes wrong when the thoughts become sexual and lustful. I feel good when people think I am beautiful because of who I truly am. I feel a little flattered when people admire my physical traits, but such good feelings for me are fleeting when they are based on outside appearances only.

Most 60-year-olds are certainly not physically attractive. Decades down the road when I am 60, I hope people are still attracted to me because of who I am.

And thoughts?

God's Love

I have a hard time feelings God's love lately. I feel He is distant, and I don't know why. His distance is a great source of frustration because I feel I need Him by my side more than ever.

I think the hardest part of being a gay LDS guy is the loneliness. I have some great friends—guys and girls. But I haven’t been able to tell them about my struggles and feelings. I’ve prayed to know whom to tell and when to tell them, but I just don’t feel I can tell any of them right now. I think that comes with the territory of living in Utah.

Meeting

I have been thinking about my life a lot lately, probably because I’m having a really tough time. One thing that I’ve thought about was the concept of having a change of heart. I have had a “mighty change of heart” in some areas in my life, but other areas, I really struggle. For example, I haven’t committed a sex act with a man, but I am highly tempted to do so.

With these thoughts on my mind, I decided to talk to a gentleman who is a friend and a religious expert. We’ve known each other for a little while, and I have a lot of respect for him. He doesn’t know I’m gay, and I didn’t tell him. I simply said, “I have noticed in my life and in the lives of my friends that if a person has a change of heart in an area, it is much easier for them to live the Gospel in that area. If they don’t have a change of heart, they make a lot more mistakes. What brings about this change of heart, whether it has to do with tithing, Sabbath observance, chastity, word of wisdom, etc.?”

He made some really good points that I hope to take to heart. So, I'm a little more hopeful today. If you would like a more detailed version of our conversation, feel free to drop me an email.